I woke up very excited today and was looking forward to the day ahead. I got up and got ready for the gym. It was the start of my productive day. I went to the gym, started my workout and felt energized and ready for the day.
I noted down the details about what all I have to do today and started to tick mark them once they were done. From going to the gym to completing the project and meetings. I felt very positive throughout today and was very happy with my pace. Everything went well and for dinner, I went out with my friends. Today was an absolutely amazing day and looking forward to tomorrow… will keep you updated…
Hope to write my day details like this one day 🙁
Woke up with full energy to kick start my day today. Got ready for the gym and went to the gym. Felt energetic until a sudden panic hit me, strong urge to cry, cry aloud and make people know what I am going through and what I am feeling. Did my workout with the same feeling and a smile on my face. Greeted everyone with my statement big smile and shared laughter. Came back to the same day… nothing exciting … nothing to look upto…. nothing to be happy about. Thought of changing my routine to feel motivated and positive about my life…. but again I was surrounded by loneliness and emptiness… thought of spending time with my family, sat with them with my statement big smile and talked to them about general things but was not at ease deep down I was feeling the pain, stress and wanted to shout and tell them what I am feeling… but the same thought came… will they understand me? Will they accept me? Will they love me? Will they appreciate me? And the answer NO…. I am again caught in my own fears and self-doubt. Not wanting to go out, not wanting to talk to anybody, not sharing my feelings with anybody, not doing anything, just sitting and crying my heart hoping that one day everything will be fine and I will start to live my life and love it like everyone… but every day is the same. I don’t feel any positivity, surround myself my thoughts and not wanted to talk to anybody…. does it happen with other also or is it only me who is going through all this? I am only surrounded by questions and not able to find an answer to them. I need one of those hugs where you forget whatever is happening around you and you feel at ease and relaxed…. I simply miss me, the old me. The happy me, the smiling me. The original me is long gone and I want to be the same again. But no matter what I try I fail to go back to original me. I
I want to share my feeling with everyone. I want to talk to people and tell them what I am going through. I want to scream and let them know that I am not fine…but all I can do is to say.. I AM FINE…. but I know that I am not fine…. and I want to be fine… I also wish to start my day with a positive note and be myself and not trying to fake. I wish to die…. I want to end my life and finish this all at once. I don’t see any purpose in life… nothing to look up to… nothing to work for… nothing to wait for…. I JUST WISH TO END THIS LIFE AND PUT A STOP TO THESE FEELINGS AND BE AT EASE ALL AT ONCE….. I just wish to put an end to this feeling of emptiness.
The fear of losing everything and being in an endless dark tunnel with no sign of the end. I have everything that most people don’t have but still feeling sad and empty is what eats me up. I have the talent but I fear to use it… I have the courage but fear to show it…. I fear of being happy… because I know if I will be happy something bad will happen. That feeling of not wanting to be happy and enjoy life makes my life a living hell… and all I wish is to put an end to it.. I WISH TO DIE….. No one will ever understand what the hell I feel inside my head and how I wish it ends. I am exhausted to be stronger than I feel I am. I am tired of showing people that I am strong… I am tired of showing people that I can do anything and help anyone… but in reality, I can’t even help myself from this vicious circle of emptiness, sadness, and pain. I want to tell everyone aloud that I AM NOT OK…
I don’t want those sudden feeling of crying out loud when I am in the middle of a party or out with my friends…. all I want is to be happy and feel happy from within… I really want to be happy but every time I try to do that, there is something inside me that screams “ YOU DON’T DESERVE IT”. It’s always worse than it seems. I get angry on people I love the most and later realize my mistake and feel more worst of my actions. I wish people could understand what I am going through. I am sick of crying day and night, I am sick of trying… all I want to do is be happy and let people know what I am going through instead of being fake all the time.
I sleep the whole day… it’s not just sleep for me… its an escape from my thoughts….. I am tired and confused all I wish is to sleep forever. It’s only getting worse day by day with no hope of getting better. My life has become a constant battle between wanting to be alone and not feeling lonely at the same time. I want to stop punishing me…. I did not do anything wrong.
It’s difficult to make people understand what’s going on in my head when I don’t even understand it myself. Sometimes you can’t do anything about what’s happening with you.
And sometimes I hope that my sadness will be replaced by something beautiful to live for and not wanting to end my beautiful life………….
Dear diary I will see you tomorrow……hopefully with something positive….