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I wonder what it would be to be happy in life when I can’t be happy for one day

Tears roll down my eyes when there is little joy or happy moments in my life. Is it because I am really happy or is it because I am not used to happiness or joy in my life? The question remains with me, and I wonder what it would be to be happy in life, when I can’t be happy for one day. Happiness brings fear that something wrong will happen and I might not be able to face it or I am not capable of handling the situation or to say I am not ready to be happy in life…..

Sometimes I just wonder if I will ever be happy with myself or my life and if I cant be happy with myself , then how can people be happy with me. Everyone else is moving on with their life and I am standing in the rain wondering if I can ever be happy. Happiness is not something you experience, it’s something you remember but can it be remembered if tears followed the happiness or sorrow followed the happy moments of my life. How can I ever remember the happy moments of my life, if they were followed by heart wrenching experiences and heart breaks. Remembering happy moments brings back the bad memories and sorrow…..

You smile but from inside you want to cry your heart out… you talk but reality is that you want to be quiet… you are tired of pretending to the people around you that you are happy with yourself when the reality is something else… When you are sad you want the world to know it but you have to pretend to be happy because you just wish that the world can understand you. Nobody ever taught me how to be happy in life and I was not able to understand it either.

I just want to be alone with myself not pretending anything, if I am sad I am sad and if I am happy I am happy. But I wonder what it would be to be happy in life, when I can’t be happy for one day… Everyone is always telling me I am so strong and I can handle all the situation with ease but I can’t take it anymore, I want people to know that I am not strong and I am not happy and I cant handle it anymore. Before going to sleep everyday, I wonder if I matter to anyone? I wonder where I exist in other people’s life, I wonder how many times a day do anyone think of me. People judge you by saying, you have a successful life you must be very happy with your life and I wonder if I can tell them I am not happy. But will they ever understand this situation, will they ever realize that I am not the person I pretend to be? Will anyone ever come up to me when I am smiling and tell me to stop giving fake smiles and ask me what is wrong?

I pretend to be happy..because I don’t want to ruin other person’s happiness just because I can’t find my own. It takes courage to accept the fact that yes you are not happy but you want to be and you are tired of pretending.

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